Be Knowin' your Axes (and your Allies)

Fascio - Fascism

Fascio (plural: fasci) is an Italian word literally meaning "fagot" (as in a bundle of sticks), and figuratively "league". During the 19th century, the bundle of rods, in Latin called 'fasces' and in Italian 'fascio', came to symbolize strength through unity, the point being that whilst each independent rod was fragile, as a bundle they were strong. The term was used to refer to political groups of many different (and sometimes opposing) orientations. A number of nationalist fasci later evolved into the 20th century movement known as fascism.

In other words - fascism is an authoritarian/totalitarian political philosophy that puts the well-being of the group (state, party, class) above the well-being of the individual.

Thus, if you thought some racist, homophobic, jingo-spouting right wing fruitcake was a fascist for supporting the Iraq war, you could just call him (or her) a 'faggot' and - semantically - you would be making an accurate literal assesment. The term 'fag' on the other hand - being shorthand for 'faggot', is of course a similar reference to 'bundle of sticks' and as such, is more often used to denote homosexuality.

Obviously, since women don't have sticks, the term 'dyke' was used to instead - an oblique reference the vulva via the use of a levee or a sloped wall designed to to regulate water levels. Thus, any ditch or a drainage field would be considered a 'dyke', as would a Roman aqueduct. Thus, Fags and Dykes built the Roman Empire.

The Axe

Or: 'ax', is an implement that has been used for millenia to shape, split and cut wood, harvest timber, as a weapon and a ceremonial or heraldic symbol. The axe has many forms and specialized uses but generally consists of an axe head with a handle, or helve.

The earliest examples of axes have heads of stone with some form of wooden handle attached (hafted) in a method to suit the available materials and use. Axes made of copper, bronze, iron, steel appeared as these technologies developed.

The axe is an example of a simple machine, as it is a type of wedge, or dual inclined plane. This reduces the effort needed by the wood chopper. It splits the wood into two parts by the pressure concentration at the blade. The handle of the axe also acts as a lever allowing the user to increase the force at the cutting edge—not using the full length of the handle is known as choking the axe. For fine chopping using a side axe this sometimes is a positive effect, but for felling with a double bitted axe it reduces efficiency. Generally cutting axes have a shallow wedge angle, whereas splitting axes have a deeper angle. Most axes are double beveled, i.e. symmetrical about the axis of the blade, but some specialist broadaxes have a single bevel blade, and usually an offset handle that allows them to be used for finishing work without putting the user's knuckles at risk of injury. Less common today, they were once an integral part of a joiner and carpenter's tool kit, not just a tool for use in forestry. A tool of similar origin is the billhook. However in France and Holland the billhook often replaced the axe as a joiner's bench tool.

Most modern axes have steel heads and wooden handles, typically hickory in the US and ash in Europe, although plastic or fiberglass handles are also common. Modern axes are specialized by use, size and form. Hafted axes with short handles designed for use with one hand are often called hand axes but the term hand axe refers to axes without handles as well. Hatchets tend to be small hafted axes often with a hammer on the back side ( the poll). As easy to make weapons, axes have frequently been used in combat.

The root of “axe” in the literal sense of “tool for chopping” is the Old English “aex” from a Germanic root with descendants in several other languages. The variant spelling “ax” was the more popular until the 19th century, but “axe” now seems more popular. Since few of us still chop our own firewood, the most common use of “axe” today is probably in the phrase “to get the axe” meaning “to be fired or dismissed” in allusion to the effects of the executioner’s axe in pre-cubicle days.

As is often the case with bladed weapons such as knives, swords or daggers, the AXE is also a metaphor for a sharp mind. And since it is not tied in a bundled with other sticks, but rather stands alone - it is also a symbol for the power if individual autonomy and self actualization.

Axe as Guitar

Kiss, of course, is a dinosaur-rock band beloved by twelve-year olds, and the band name is not normally capitalized (except by their fans, who capitalize pretty much everything they type).

The use of “axe” as slang for a musical instrument dates back to 1955, i.e., in the edenic pre-Kiss days. Legend has it that the instrument to which “axe” was first applied however, was not the guitar, but rather the saxophone. The logic may have been simply the “sax/axe” rhyme, but another theory ties “axe” to the “swing” of a jazz sax player in full stride. “Axe” was also later applied to the trumpet before becoming accepted as slang for the guitar, a use which has probably persisted in part because of the instrument’s resemblance to an actual axe.

The piece of crap Made in China™ toy pictured above is of course a video-game controller for a popular KISS™ related game or some such. KISS™, of course, is a dinosaur-rock band beloved by twelve-year olds, and the band name is not normally capitalized (except by their fans, who are known to occasionally capitalize pretty much everything we type).

Axe™

Axe™ ia a line of toxic-waste like products - produced, marketed and distributed by Corporate America™, that not only successfully depletes the ozone layer, but also kills thousands of baby bunnies every time it's used by another horny teenage boy caught in the deadly grips of a quasi-porno-esque ad-campaign.

Titties

The term 'titties' of course has little to do with axes at all. However, sometimes older women are called 'battle axes' if they're not very nice. Unless they have nice titties in which case they are called 'cougars'. I don't make these memes up folks I just propagate them,

The breasts of a male or female can be called 'titties'. However, the female breast can also be called any of the following:

APPLES; BALCONY BALLOONS; BANGERS; BAZONGAS; BAZOOMS; BEAN BAGS; BIG BROWN EYES; BON-BONS; BOOBIES; BOOBS; BOTTLES; BOULDERS; BULLETS; BUMPERS; BUSTERS; BUMPER BUSTERS; BUTTERBAGS; CANTELOUPES; GAZONGAS; GLANDS; GLOBES; GRAPEFRUITS; GUAVAS; HANDFULLS; HAND-WARMERS; HEADERS; HEADUGHTS; HILLS; HONKERS; HOOTERS; HOWITZERS; JABOOS; JIBS; JUGS; JUMBOS; KAZONGAS; KNOBS; KNOCKERS; LACTOIDS; LOAVES; LOBLOLLIES; LOVE; BUBBLES; BAUBBLES; LOVE MUFFINS; LULUS; LUNGS; MAMMETS; MAMS; MANGOES; MEATBALLS; MEAT; LOAVES; MELONS; MILK; CANS; MILK; SHOP; MOUNDS; MOUNT OF ULIES; MOUNTAINS; MUFFINS; MULLIGANS; MURPHIES; NANCIES; NATURE'S FONTS; NIBLETS; NINNIES; NIPPERS; NODULES; NOOGIES; NUBBIES; NUTS; ORANGES; ORBS; OTTOMANS; PAIR PALOOKAS; PAPAYAS; PAPS; PEACHES; PEAKS; PEARS; PECTS; PEEPERS; PILLOWS; PIPS; POKERS; PONTOONS; POTATOES; PUMPKINS; PUMPS; RIB CUSHIONS; ROUNDIES; SANDBAGS; SCONES; SCOOPS; SET; SHAKERS; SHIMMIES; SKIN SACKS; SNUGGLE PUPS; SPHERES; SPUDS; STACKS; STUFFING; SWEATER MEAT; SWEET ROLLS; SWINGERS; TAMALES; TETONS; TIDBITS; TITS; TITTERS; TOMATOES; TOOTERS; TORPEDOES; TWANGERS; TWIN PEAKS; TWOFERS; UMLAUTS; UPPER DECK WALDOS; WARHEADS; WARTS; WATERMELONS; WHOPPERS; WOBBLERS; WONGAS; YABBOS; YAMS; ... or: ZEPPELINS

Notice that almost all of these terms happen to correspond to products that are available to the American consumer. Thus, Capitalists have been embedding sexist messages in our language for a very very long time. Since I believe that breasts should - pardon the expression - stand on their own (be autonomous, or free from associations with products or commodities), I have every intention of henceforth simply referring to them simply as 'AXEs'!

Thus, roughly translated, "Yo girl, lemme axe you a question" means:"Titties!"

And no, that is not racist!